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Morton Times-News - Morton, IL
  • Mayan calendar a scare

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  • It's the end of the world as we know it.
    Or is it? In the 2009 film "Sherlock Holmes," actor Robert Downey Jr. said, "It is unwise to theorize without first collecting data. Inevitably, one would use theories to twist facts rather than facts to shoot theories."
    Let's start with the facts then.
    FACT: The Mayans created a calendar that ended with the date Dec 21, 2012.
    FACT: The Mayans also worshipped the sun as a god — a giant flaming mass that emits UV rays and is orbited by the earth in a uniform, counter-clockwise fashion.
    FACT: They believed they were molded by their gods from corn (How come when I heat popcorn kernels in the microwave, they don't turn into 21st century BC indigenous people?).
    FACT: The Mayans suddenly and unexplainably disappeared (spooky). Couldn't they have died out before they were able to finish their calendar?
    But let's assume the world is coming to an end — that, in light of many false predictions on the subject, the "experts" finally got one right. I'm not worried.
    I even built my own bomb shelter from scratch, with no prior knowledge of end-of-the-world preparedness or military experience. I also have stored away hundreds of boxes of Twinkies inside it, knowing that they serve all Armageddon hypotheticals. And now that Hostess is going bankrupt, they've come in handy much earlier than I suspected.
    In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. I know you doomsday theorists want me to stop messing around and play ball. But I can't do it.
    Besides, if the world were to end in some extreme fashion, I wouldn't follow the current trends in predicting how it will happen. I have my own theory that I find most suitable involving The Great One Cthulhu. Author H.P. Lovecraft described this fictional creation as having a grotesque, scaly body, including elementary wings and a pulpy tentacled head. He will rain destruction upon all living beings, beginning with the United States.
    Don't believe me? It's already begun: Cthulhu2012.com/campaign/. He attempted to take control of humanity once before in a series of episodes of the TV show South Park dating from Oct. 27 to Nov. 10, 2010. The cartoon superhero Mint Berry Crunch thwarted this attempt at the end of the series with his super human capabilities.
    Now, Cthulhu will return, angrier than ever. And since Mint Berry Crunch only exists in the cartoon realm, we are seriously in trouble.
    I would rather the day be a literal replication of author Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds." You know, the 1938 radio broadcast that got everyone panicking that aliens were invading earth? It would be much less painful to be zapped to oblivion by a ray gun than chewed to pieces by a mystical 100 foot-tall creature that breathes fire.
    Page 2 of 2 - I guess it's no worse than the global cooling/second ice age effect depicted in the 2004 film "The Day After Tomorrow."
    Consider some other doomsday theories. There was the Y2K scare brought about by the new millennium. Yes, change can be frightening, but does that necessarily make it life-threatening?
    Heaven's Gate, one of the more bizarre stories, involved a man named Marshall Applewhite who inducted 38 people into a cult. The cult believed that suicide was the portal to a physical kingdom called "Level Above Human." When a comet known as Hale-Bopp started to pass Earth, Applewhite convinced the cult that the floating mass contained a spaceship that would bring them to the "Level Above Human."
    Needless to say, police found their corpses after they downed vodka mixed with barbiturates.
    A little grotesque for my taste. Perhaps a ceremonial katana through the chest would have fared better.
    William Miller also dabbled in the "art" of Armageddon prophesying. In 1843, he told the public that Jesus would return to earth in March of that year. Strike one. Strike two came as he gave his non-psychic mind another chance and labeled October 1844 as the date.
    Are you starting to see how the minds of these people work? Every end-of-the-world prediction made has not materialized. There will likely not be any rapture-like chaos on Dec. 21.
    Maybe there will come a time when we least expect it that humans will cease to inhabit the earth — much like the dinosaurs. The key words are "when we least expect it."
    After all, Matthew 24:36 in the bible states, "But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." So if another prediction gets floated around, for goodness' sake, don't believe it.

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