You thought 2008 was interesting?

If you thought 2008 was an interesting year in Morton, think again. As a Morton insider, I have a few predictions for the coming year.

At the end of January, Morton Community Foundation executive director Scott Witzig will resign after being hospitalized when the foundation’s “Tree of Dreams” topples over him while he unravels lights from the branches. Before resigning, he will announce that the “Tree of Dreams” will no longer be celebrated. Instead, Witzig will announce that next year’s celebration will take place around one of the new trees placed on the landscape at Mike Murphy Ford because “no teardown will be required.”

In February, the new Morton pool will be completed and open to the public. Residents will protest outside of park district director Gary Watson’s office in heavy winter coats, chanting, “We want an indoor pool.”

In March, Tazewell County board chairman and Morton resident David Zimmerman will announce the launch of the county’s new Web site. Residents will flock to the site to find information related to their taxes, only to find that the site is not working because it was powered by defective wind farms.

In April, Morton Mayor Norm Durflinger will announce wine and beer sales in gas stations. Local grocery store owners will show up at village board meetings to protest the idea because it threatens the safety of Morton youth and damages the moral fabric of the village. Kroger will discontinue its plans to renovate its business, and residents will travel to East Peoria to buy their groceries. Durflinger will then state at the next village board meeting, “See, I told you we were bleeding retail. That’s why we need wine and beer sales in gas stations.”

In May, as part of the village’s efforts to attract young professionals, the Morton Community Foundation’s Arts in the Park program will get a huge boost when alcohol is sold during concerts. At the same time, foundation officials will enter into agreements with numerous ‘70s tribute bands. Old timers expecting performances by ‘70s jazz musicians will be surprised when they find thousands of hippies sliding through mud and camping out in their back yards. Idlewood Park will be announced as the new venue for Chillicothe’s Summer Camp. Police chief Nick Graff will request more officers, and the village will see additional revenues from drug arrests.

In June, students on summer vacation will start taking people’s lawn gnomes and place them in other yards. The Peoria Journal Star will continue to run front page articles regarding the situation as frantic parents begin grounding their kids. The streets in Morton will be so quiet during the summer that the recently bolstered Morton Police Department will have to downsize and release several of its officers. Residents will catch recently fired Morton police officers spraying graffiti on downtown buildings that say, “Up with crime. We want our jobs back.”

In July, Morton Public Library director Janice Sherman will be hospitalized after another successful summer reading program. Hundreds of recently grounded teens will show up to the library to participate in reading programs, causing Sherman to sustain thousands of paper cuts.

In August, car shows on Main Street will evolve. As part of a nationwide “going green” effort in small communities, the car show will allow only hybrid vehicles to be displayed. Village tourism director Susan Pyles will announce the village’s hotels were filled the entire weekend by tourists who drove all the way from San Francisco to get a glimpse of the new technology. In turn, San Franciscans will begin to consume pumpkins at an alarming rate, causing excessive demand at the Nestlé/Libby’s plant, forcing some residents to offer volunteer assistance to the business.

In September, the Morton Pumpkin Festival will take on a whole new look. As a result of last year’s rain, festival officials will rent a gigantic dome to cover the entire festival grounds. Morton Chamber of Commerce president Linc Hobson will announce 500 winners of the balloon release after a Jefferson School student locates hundreds of deflated balloons while playing on the swing set.

In October, Morton High School band director Jeff Neavor will receive a 10-year extension from the high school after the band was selected to play at Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s impeachment parade.

Punkin Chuckin’ will be cancelled again due to a shortage of pumpkins caused by heavy demand in August. It will be the first sign of the Great Pumpkin Famine of 2010.

In November, Morton Mayor Norm Durflinger will be accosted by local parents after they learn their children have been stealing wine and beer from the town’s gas stations. Parents will file a lawsuit against the mayor and spend countless hours with their lawyers in Springfield. That same month, the Morton Police Department will bust numerous residential drinking parties, and police chief Nick Graff will ask, “Where are all these kids’ parents?”

Finally, in December, public works director Bob Wraight will resign after being flooded with complaints from residents regarding snow removal. Wraight will complain that the village did not provide his staff with enough salt to get the job done. Instead of hiring a new public works director, the village will pursue Morton Salt, which will decide to move its headquarters to Morton as a result of recruitment by the Morton Economic Development Council. Village officials will applaud the move, saying, “It’s a natural.”

Those are my predictions — what are yours?